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Approaching Autum With a New State of Mind

Two weeks ago, on the first of September, I met a new friend for a drink after work. We had a great time talking and catching up, but when I went to catch my bus, it wasn’t there. By the time I got home, it was later than I had planned, and I was more than slightly irritated with the MTA. It was putting a damper on my otherwise fun-filled evening, and the minute that I realized what I was doing, I decided to intentionally push the negative thoughts out of my head and only hold on to the positive.

At the time, I was finishing Karine Tuil’s The Age of Reinvention (pubbing in December by Atria Books), which has been described as a modern Gatsby. And, like Gatsby, all of the main protagonists are either living in a lie or unhappy with their current lives…all waiting for the perfect life to just spring up from out of nowhere. It was towards the end of the novel – when one character had gotten his dream come true but was still wallowing in despair over something he didn’t have – that it clicked. Wouldn’t he be in a better place if he could just be happy? Happiness, after all, is just a state of mind. And it’s something that only you, yourself can control.

I started thinking about my own life. My own insecurities. Things that I want to change, people who are now strangers, the fact that my bus didn’t show up that night…just all of the negative things that swarm around in my head. And then I started thinking about the positive things. Working in book publishing, my family and friends, the upcoming trip that I’m taking next year, Shadowbox, etc. I decided that I no longer want to be dragged down by negative thoughts, and that from that day on, I would only dwell on the positive. Only stay in the present. Not that I will never have another negative thought, because that cannot be helped, but that I won’t let those negative thoughts consume me. I’ll let them enter my mind, and then let them go.

The moment that I made this decision, I felt instantly lighter. That, by letting go of the negativity, I could just be myself and really live. I didn’t feel the need to hold back and wait, which is what we do a lot of the time. We wait to fall in love, to get the perfect job, to have enough money in our bank accounts. We wait for everything to work itself out and be perfect, but life doesn’t work that way and we forget. We forget that uncertainty is part of life. That, more often than not, we don’t know what’s going to happen. Sure, it can be scary, but the beauty in life is the unknown. There’s no point dwelling on what could have been or what could be, when life is right in front of you. Right now. Waiting, for you to live it.

Autumn may not be here yet, but it’s coming sooner than you think. So, in the last week of summer, before the change of seasons, take the time to erase the negative thoughts and just enjoy life. Be present in the moment. You won’t regret it.

View from the pier after an afternoon of sunning with my uncle, August 2015
View from the pier after an afternoon of sunning with my uncle, August 2015
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Box-it-out

For the past few months – or really, since its opening week back in May – I have been obsessed with Shadowbox.  For those of you who haven’t heard of it, it’s a gym grouped with the likes of Soul Cycle, Swerve, and Barry’s Bootcamp, where people flock to get a hardcore workout, which, at Shadowbox, includes hitting the heavy bag.  Boxing as a workout for non-athletes, dare I say? Yes!

First, let me let you in on a little secret.  In another life, I was a trained boxer.  Ok, that’s not entirely accurate, although wouldn’t it be cool if that was in fact true?  The short version is that, about ten years ago, my then boyfriend had connections to a martial arts school.  I, who had never taken a martial arts class in my life, signed up immediately for both kickboxing and Thai boxing classes.  I may not have been the best in the class, but it was an amazing workout, and, as a person who frequently gets bored at the gym, always something that I wanted to get back into.  So, when I found an article about its opening on Vogue.com, I naturally went to check it out.  Fell instantly in love.  Then persuaded my friend to join.

A far cry from the gyms that I have recently belonged to, when you walk into the dimly lit studio at Shadowbox, you feel as if time has stopped.  There are 40 numbered heavy bags hanging from the ceiling.  The music, which varies with each instructor, is full of energy and intensity.  The classes, only 45 minutes long, are a combination of interval training, shadow boxing, and heavy bag work, that will leave you drenched in sweat, gasping for breath, and so exhausted that you are barely able to pick yourself off of the floor.  But, it’s the best.  Workout.  Ever.

With boxing taking to the forefront recently (and a second Shadowbox location opening in Dumbo early next year), this is not something that you want to miss out on.  Checkout their website!  Shadowboxnyc.com

August 2015 @ Shadowbox
August 2015 @ Shadowbox
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The Summer is Fleeting

Every year around this time, I start to get bored of the summer and wish for the return of autumn.  My favorite season.  Longing for the slightly cooler days and crisp evenings, the crunching of leaves beneath my feet, the calming brown and orange hues produced by nature, and of course, the leather jacket and boots that I can finally take out of my closet again.  The tranquility of the summer is still there, but there’s a hint of something more, something hurried.

I’m not sure when I first realized my love for autumn.  There was a time when I would have said that summer was my favorite season, but I don’t think that was ever really true.  There are great things about the summer, but all of those things carry through into autumn.

Interestingly, I’m not in such a hurry to see summer go this year.  Maybe I’ll revert to my old way of thinking after the temperature spikes this weekend, but I think it’s more a state-of-mind than anything else.  This has been a summer of beginning new friendships and ending old ones, of exciting possibilities and a few disappointments, but most importantly, it has been a summer of growing and learning new facets about myself.  And I wouldn’t change any of that.

As the summer draws to a close, it reminds me to take life’s paths a bit more slowly, to not be in such a rush.  That the choices we make constantly have the ability to bring us somewhere we’ve never been, with people we never knew that we’d meet.

While the days are still hot, take that opportunity to visit the beach again.  Take a walk on the sand.  Dip your toes in the surf.  Plunge into the ocean.  Live life in the present, because nothing in this world is a guarantee except this moment, right now.

large beach
Montauk, NY – summer 2015
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Jessica Knoll’s Luckiest Girl Alive

When I first picked up Jessica Knoll’s debut novel, Luckiest Girl Alive, I didn’t really know that much about it other than the fact that it was part of my favorite genre.  It had been getting great press and was being compared to multiple books that I have read including Flynn’s Gone Girl (ok, I have still not read this one, but I saw the movie) and Harrison’s The Silent Wife ( you can read my post here A.S.A. Harrison’s The Silent Wife).  So, I decided to give it a shot.  And it was not at all what I had expected.

The book follows Ani FaNelli, a young woman who is striving to create the perfect life for herself.  She has a glamorous job working at a magazine and a handsome fiancé from a well-to-do family, but events that happened in her past keep finding their way to the surface and threaten the life that she has carefully pieced together.

While Knoll does alternate between the past and the present, for the most part, the story takes place in the past.  It is there where we learn of the private pain and public humiliation that Ani (TifAni back then) had to endure.  And while we do feel for her, there is something dark and sinister underlying throughout that at times makes you question just how honest the narrator is being.  But also, it makes you wonder whether it is possible for someone who went through as much as she did to go on living a normal life without unconsciously trying to sabotage it.

It’s always nice when there is a character that you like in a novel, one that you can somehow relate to.  Ani isn’t likeable.  In fact, none of the characters really were, but they were also more in the background.  In Ani, we quickly find a character shift.  In the beginning she is a strong, put together, successful woman, but that soon changes and for most of the novel she is just that scared, traumatized young adult who’s only ‘coolness’ is the façade that she passes on for reality.  Ani wasn’t likeable, but she is relatable.  There are many people out there who never show their true characters, who never let others in for fear of getting rejected or hurt or labeled.  Ani drives this story forward because even though you don’t care, you want to know what happened, you want to know what she went through and you want to know how it turns out.

LUCKIEST GIRL ALIVE, Knoll - jkt

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Ruth Ware’s In a Dark, Dark Wood

To me, there is nothing creepier than being alone in a wooded area in the twilight. I remember coming home from class at night and having to take two buses. The second bus stop was in front of a park and I would always end up waiting and waiting for it…constantly looking over my shoulder and scaring myself with every movement of the trees. In the back of my mind, I always was prepared for someone to leap out and attack me. Thankfully, no such event ever transpired.

Darkness is always something that has scared me. Particularly when it is time to go to bed. As a child, I was often terrified to go to sleep, unsure of what the night would bring. This only occasionally happens to me as an adult, and it mostly occurs when I am in the middle of a book that has such a hold on me that I just can’t put it down.

In a Dark, Dark Wood, a debut novel by UK author Ruth Ware, and also the debut book of Simon & Schuster’s new imprint, Scout Press, is one of those such books. From the first page, it had me. Nora (aka Lee, or Leonora) is running through the woods getting attacked by branches, slipping in the snow, all the while hoping that she is not too late to stop a car. But who is in that car and why is she trying to stop it? Just the thought of running through the woods at night is unnerving to me…like a person’s worst nightmare coming true.

Next we see Nora in a hospital, badly injured, amnesiatic, and the story unfold from there. Having been invited to a bachelorette weekend for an old school friend that she hadn’t spoken to in over ten years, Nora reluctantly goes, but the weekend seems doomed from the beginning. The bash is being held at a glass house in the middle of the woods, where it feels like anyone can watch your every move. An eerie thought to say the least. But what happened to Nora in those woods? How did she end up in the hospital? And, perhaps most importantly, can she trust herself let alone anyone else?

Alternating between the events of the weekend and Nora’s stay at the hospital, In a Dark, Dark Wood is a dark, twisted psychological thriller that will leave you haunted.

Coming August 25th

in a dark dark wood

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No Regrets

Recently, I was having a conversation with a friend of mine about the difficulties people have opening up and letting others in, in the context of saying what’s on your mind, making your feelings known…expressing yourself.  It’s a conversation that I seem to be having a lot lately, and it got me thinking about how we often let our fears and insecurities dictate our lives.  In what felt like a scene out of a movie, John Mayer’s “Say” started playing in the background as we were talking.

Say what you need to say

Say what you need to say

Say what you need to say

Say what you need to say

In my tight-knit circle, it is known that I have no problem saying exactly how I’m feeling about a situation.  It’s a trait that is often admired, although I don’t know if it deserves the praise.  It sort of goes hand-in-hand with my penchant for the truth.  Ever since I was sixteen, honesty has been extremely important to me.  As such, I have vowed to always be honest with the people that I care about, no matter what.  If I feel that I would regret not saying something – no matter how hard that something might be – I say it, because there are so few things in life that we can actually control, and I don’t want to live my life thinking what if I had done this…because I know myself, and that’s exactly what I would do.

It’s not about being stronger versus weaker, and I think a lot of people don’t realize that.  They think that they are weak because they have a hard time sharing their feelings and feel that people like me are fearless.  But they’re wrong.  I’m just as scared, only I choose to live through the fear as opposed to living in it.  More often than not, I’m terrified to share my innermost thoughts, to give someone else the power to break me, but I don’t allow that fear to get in the way of something that I know needs to be said.  You can live in fear every day, but that will only do more harm than good, and it certainly won’t help you to move on or grow.

Have no fear for giving in

Have no fear for giving over

You’d better know that in the end

It’s better to say too much

Then never say what you need to say again

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M. O. Walsh’s My Sunshine Away

There has been a trend as of late. I’m not sure if it is an actual trend per say, or if it is more the books that I am picking – although I’m inclined to believe the former, seeing as how I make a conscious effort to not read anything similar in a row. There seems to be a fascination with darkness, with subjects that are disturbing, devastating, unthinkable. Things that have the power to – and do – forever alter a person’s life. These books that I’m describing reach far beyond the shallowness of the shoreline that Nabokov introduced us to with Lolita, which, although unnerving, was quite tame considering the subject matter. They exceed the vast expanse of the sea…their depth sometimes immeasurable…their affects profoundly lasting.

My Sunshine Away is one of those such novels. And I suspect that it will haunt me for a long time. The title alone left me with an eerie feeling – part of a verse from a song I knew in my youth:

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine

You make me happy when skies are grey

You never know, dear, how much I love you

Please don’t take my sunshine away

but it also was the reason that I read it. The heaviness that I felt from those words intrigued me much more than other three-word combinations have. They felt empty, but not because something was lacking, empty because there was something that no longer existed, something that had been taken away. Something that had died.

The story centers on a crime that was committed a few decades in the past. The unsolved rape of a fifteen year old girl and the implications that it had not only on her life, but on the lives of her community, her neighborhood, her family, her friends. There were four suspects in this, including our narrator who remains nameless throughout. From the first page I was on the edge of my seat closely examining the narrator’s words, looking to find holes in his story, trying to decide if he was the one who committed the crime. I won’t say whether or not we end up with an answer to this question because the who or why is not significant. The significance is in what was lost. Innocence.

Innocence, once lost, can never be recovered, especially when that loss happens in such a heinous way. It happens often in literature, as in life, but it’s portrayal here is not something that erases itself from your memory after you’ve turned the last page. It’s something that sticks with you. Just like that song. Please don’t take my sunshine away.

My Sunshine Away

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“What is the purpose of pain?…It’s instructive.  It warns of impending events.  Pain precedes change.  It is a tool.”

-Jill Alexander Essbaum, Hausfrau