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Okay…It’s Winter

This morning, in the midst of my normal weekday routine, i.e. getting ready for work and tidying my apartment with channel seven news on in the background to find out the weather, I realized two things.

One, I had not dreamed the chill in the early hours of the morning that awoke me from sleep…the number at the bottom of the screen read thirteen degrees, not including the wind-chill, which brought it down to something like zero. It is by far one of the coldest (if not the coldest) days that we’ve had so far this winter, which meant only one thing: dress warm. Time to break out the warm acrylic sweaters and the Uggs…yes, I own a pair of Uggs; okay, I own two pairs. It took me quite a few years to get over the fact that they are not appealing in looks whatsoever, but, once I slipped my feet into them and walked outside on a cold, cold day, it was all over for me. I became an Uggs lover. Unless you have also put your feet in and experienced what it truly means to walk outside on a frigid day and not have potentially frostbitten toes, then you don’t know what you are missing. They will seriously change your life. There is only one person whom I will not wear my Uggs in front of, and that is my uncle for fear that he will disown me…well, he wouldn’t exactly do that, but he could come close to it. One time I wore my Tory Burch flats in front of him and the next day I got some txts saying how I should get rid of them (he called them fugly, lol)…he prefers women to wear pointy stilettos.

On that note, I must venture out to the stores and purchase more warm sweaters.  I have a lot of sweaters; however, most of them are kind of short.  For a while, I went through this phase where I liked everything short and would even shrink things so that they would be short.  This is no more.  I realized, a few winters back, that short equals a way for the cold to seep in underneath your jacket…so, unfortunately many of my sweaters (okay, most☹) must be replaced.  I could just wait it out since it is already January, and in just a few more months I will not need them anymore, but I’m not sure how this winter will be yet, so I probably should buy at least a few… 

The other thing that I realized this morning, was that I really cannot deny the fact that it is winter anymore (although that could also go with the first realization, but I swear it’s different). Every year, as soon as there is an extremely cold day, my subway decides to have signal problems, which makes it very slow and, unfortunately, always means that there is no express train. With the elimination of the express train comes the addition of an extra twenty-odd minutes to my morning commute (at least). This also means that I am less likely to have time to stop off en route to the office and acquire my morning latte.

Seeing as it was oh-so cold this morning, I made a run to grab a latte anyway and breezed into work only a few minutes late (a few really means a few). I was thankful to find my office at a much desired temperature and have been hibernating in it ever since. Funny thing though, about this cold snap we are having, according to the weatherman, it is going to hit almost fifty on Saturday…go figure.

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New Day, New Year

As I’ve said before, if you are hung over after a night out, you did it right. Well, judging by the way I felt yesterday, I had a very successful journey into 2012. Wow, 2012. Just writing it looks weird. I wonder how long it is going to take me to remember that 2011 is gone. Now that the hangover is gone, it’s time for a fresh start.

New Years’ Eve for me, didn’t start off that well. After dealing with my landlord and the boiler guy about the possibility of my walking back into my apartment in the new year with a potential flood, I left my place to catch a bus practically in tears. The only things that saved me were gchatting with my mother, txting with my aunt and bff John and, the fact that I already had my make-up on and really didn’t want to start over.

When I got into the subway, I took out my ipod and started blasting music, then when I got into the city, I went to DD and got an iced caramel latte. By the time I had walked down to Z’s block, my mood was lifting. We broke open a bottle of 2007 Chateauneuf du Pape that I brought over, which was so delicious, turned on a little satc, and set about to plan our night…which, was completely unplanned. Our nights are always like that. We later proved that, even on NYE, we didn’t need a plan…we’re just awesome like that.

After getting ready and grabbing a quick bite, we caught a cab right away and headed over to the Ace Hotel to meet up with some friends who were already standing on line there waiting for us. The Ace Hotel is really an awesome place. It feels like you’re stepping back in time to one of those old American mansions in Long Island; I love the feeling that they engulf you with. So, the Ace Hotel was the perfect place to celebrate the new year.

It was a very long night, with lots of drinking and lots of fun; the best new years’ I’ve had in a long time. I only vaguely remember getting back to Z’s place and crawling under the blankets at nearly six am…but I do remember the awfulness to which I woke up a few hours later. So happy that is over. The day after a hangover I always wake up in such a good mood because I feel infinitely better.

The real success of the evening though, is checking your phone the morning after to assess the damage that might have ensued…aka, drunk dialing/txting. Thankfully, mine only contained one. A txt sent at 523am, a picture of drinks. Innocent enough. The best part was the txt that I got in response to that the next day saying, “omg, were you still drinking at 523am??!!!” I think it is suffice to say that I was.

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Shades of Grey

“It doesn’t have to be black and white.” These words were uttered to me the other day by a friend of mine, a phrase in which I’ve heard many times before. But what does it mean exactly? Immediately, Billy Joel’s “Shades of Grey” popped into my head and I searched my ipod, of which, I am embarrassed to say, was void of it. Having grown up on Long Island and therefore, an avid Billy Joel fan, I could not fathom this error on my part, so I set about to fix it. Needless to say that I have the song on cd, so I was saved. Some of the lyrics are as follows:

Shades of grey wherever I go
The more I find out the less that I know
Black and white is how it should be
But shades of grey are the colors I see

What does it mean exactly? Cynics would say that it means that there is no certainty to anything in life; optimists would say that there is always a possibility. I like to think of myself as a realist. I’m not sure if this phrase has been repeated to me because people feel that I only think in black and white, or because they want me to see things their way. Either way, whenever I hear this, it always makes me pause and think. The first thing that I do is reflect upon the reasons as to why it is being said. Modern technology today allows you to do that pretty freely; I’m still not sure if this is a good thing or not. There are definitely some things that I would like to forget without having to double-delete first. Alas, this is the way of the world now.

The more I find out the less that I know. As children and then young adults, we cannot wait to grow up; we strive for it. To us, growing up means that we gain an exuberant knowledge that allows us to be able to obtain thoughts on anything that we ever could want to know. Then, of course, as we get older, we realize that this isn’t true at all; that there is just so much knowledge in the world, it would be impossible to ever know everything.

In the first half of our lives, we are taught that things are either right or wrong and that there isn’t any in-between…in other words, everything is either black or white. Perhaps as adolescence, it is felt that we are unable to grasp things another way. Perhaps, having things concrete is the only way that anyone is ever able to learn or grow. But do we really need for things to be concrete in order to grow? If that were the case, why is it that everyone is so confused all of the time? Why doesn’t anyone know what they want?

“It doesn’t have to be black and white.” In the end, everything is either one thing or it’s another, nothing is half and half. Shades of grey exist because people don’t want to choose sides, because people don’t really want to think about what they want, to even know what they want…because people are afraid. People are afraid of what will happen if they give in to something, if they let all restraint go. I’m afraid of that too, but I’m also afraid of what happens if I don’t. What will I miss out on? What experiences could I have had if I just took that chance? The problem is, that unless you do, you’ll never know. Not everything may be worth it in the end, but the memories will be. Sometimes, the beauty is in the attempt.

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“You don’t know what it is to fall into the pit, to be despised, mocked, abandoned, sneered at – to be an outcast! To find the door shut against one, to have to creep in by hideous byways, afraid every moment lest the mask should be stripped from one’s face, and all the while to hear the laughter, the horrible laughter of the world, a thing more tragic than all the tears the world has ever shed. You don’t know what it is. One pays for one’s sins, and then one pays again, and all one’s life one pays. You must never know that…I may have wrecked my own life, but I will not let you wreck yours. ”

-Oscar Wilde
Lady Windermere’s Fan

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Reflections…the Morning Of

As we get ready tonight to embark upon the arrival of the new year, many thoughts come to mind…and they aren’t just about what to wear, although for me, that is always one of the foremost. Hmmm what to wear…

Most of us treat the new year as a new beginning. It is a time to let go of the past and look towards the future. We shed all of the bad that came out of the latest year and focus on the positive…what did we gain, who did we meet, in what ways did our lives change for the better? If you have one answer for each of those questions, well then, that’s a good thing…not everyone does.

As I sit here, with a latte and newly polished nails, which, by the way, I have to thank Z for. I love the way my nails look after I have gone to the salon, but, I have one problem with it…the time. I feel like it is a waste of time. I mean, from the very second that you sit in the chair, you are there for at least an hour and you cannot even do anything because you can’t use your hands. Well, upon a recent trip to Philadelphia to celebrate an oh-so important birthday of our friend R, Z taught me the art of getting in and out in under thirty minutes. Just ask for a polish change. It is cheaper (which is good for those who go on a weekly or bi-weekly basis) and, more importantly for me, it saves sooo much time. Pair that with the fact that I discovered a salon within walking distance from my apartment (and near a café) it’s a dream come true. I will be frequenting there often.

Back to reflection. As I sit here, procrastinating on getting ready, although it is still very early (okay, maybe not very), I can’t help but think about where I was at this point last year. Last year, I was hauled up at the house in Huntington, nursing a broken heart and ignoring this day completely. We’ve all had one of those years, and last year was mine. I didn’t look out the picture windows of the sitting room and gaze at the bay; a favorite winter pastime because in the summer the view is blocked by leaves. I didn’t drink champagne or stay up until midnight. I didn’t even venture outside of my room and down the stairs to join the party that my brother was throwing. I watched a movie, drank tea, and went to bed early. It is definitely not the first New Years’ that I’ve stayed in, and I’m sure that it won’t be the last…but to start the new year with a broken heart isn’t exactly the best laid plans…although, I have to say, my year wasn’t all that bad. And, more importantly, I have no regrets (except for maybe that I have not purchased an end table yet…this must be rectified immediately).

Tonight, I am going out with Z, and we are going to celebrate being young and alive, and, friendship, because without friendship, the world can be a cruel, lonely place. I am lucky to have such great friends in my life. Friends that I can count on for anything, who always tell me the truth, even if I do not always want to hear it. Friends who never judge me or where I came from. Friends who accept my flaws and love me anyway. I would do anything for them.

As for what I am going to wear tonight? I think it is safe to say that I have figured it out, with the help of Z of course. There is no better way to figure out an outfit, then by talking it over with your girlfriends…yet another reason to love them. I have a black sequin dress that I bought over a year ago and have been dying to wear, but I am not going to wear that tonight. It will stay in my closet and keep all of my other dresses company, and you know that I have a lot!

The theme for tonight: classy, sophisticated and cool.

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Where is Home? (2nd excerpt)

Kate awoke to the sound of her door being opened. Immediately her body tensed. Her back was towards it and she dared not turn around in hopes that he would get the idea and leave. She took short, shallow breaths, trying so hard to not make a sound, to become invisible underneath the sheets. Then, she felt him slip in next to her.           

“What are you doing?” Kate hissed, “Leave me alone.” She used every muscle in her body to try and push him away but nothing worked; he was too strong for her. It must have seemed like a joke to him, but it wasn’t, not to her. Kate was only fifteen. She had never had a boyfriend let alone a first kiss. Kate didn’t even know what “the bases” were. All she wanted to do was be like everyone else her age…normal, and she could bet that the definition of normal did not consist of her step-father climbing into bed with her. She didn’t want Russell in her bed; she wanted him to leave.

“Sexy…” he whispered with a disgusting smirk on his face. Kate was still turned away from him, but she knew his look all too well. His blue eyes were squinched into tiny slits; almost as if he was purposefully trying to block out her feeble attempts at fighting him off. Almost as if…but he wasn’t. Russell probably didn’t even notice. In the past few years that she had known him, Russell had gained a significant amount of weight which made it all the more difficult for her to physically push him away. Despite the inappropriate things that he did to her on a regular basis when members of the family were not looking, Kate could not believe that he had had the gall to do this. He had gone too far this time.

He was in her room, in her bed. Kate felt Russell trying to turn her towards him, but she resisted, kept her back to him. She tried pushing him out…away…anywhere but where he was, first with her feet and then with her whole body, but he didn’t budge; her slender frame was no match for his bulky one. Instead of him getting the picture, Kate’s resistance seemed to only encourage him. She felt him slide closer to her, leaning on her. The weight of him bore down on her body and almost smothered her. Kate opened her eyes which, until that point had been closed, and stared out the window at the old oak tree that sat in their yard. Its branches, although close, seemed far away. She tried to focus on the tree, and the leaves moving in the breeze, wishing she were anywhere but there. Kate felt his hand grab at her breast and tried to fight him more, but he held his grip. She closed her eyes again; there was no escaping this.

“I’m going to tell Mom,” she threatened, hoping that it would make a difference. Deep down, she knew it wouldn’t though. There was a reason why Kate hadn’t confided in any member of the family about what was going on, especially her mother, and it had nothing to do with the fact that it was not an easy subject to broach; it was more than that.

“So tell her; she’ll never believe you,” he said. He slid his hand down her body and anchored it between her legs. Kate stopped breathing and opened her eyes. She felt like she was suffocating. Why was this happening to her? Why was he doing this? She couldn’t figure out which was worse; the fact that he was in her bed sliding his disgusting hands all over her or that he was right about her mother. She would never believe her. Kate didn’t exactly know why this was the case, she had never given her mother a reason to doubt her, especially with something as important as this, but it just was. Kate knew that she would never be believed. She tried to push Russell away again, tried to pry his hand out from inside of her, but it was all in vain. Nothing worked.

Kate heard movement coming up the stairs which were directly outside of her room and started to panic.  She pushed Russell away from her harder.  She felt ashamed that he was there, ashamed to be caught with him in her bed, ashamed because she felt that she would be blamed for the current situation, that she would be told that it was her fault.  Deep down, Kate knew that she should believe that it was not her fault, but she couldn’t help to think that maybe, on some level, it actually was.           

“Get out. Someone’s going to catch you; you’re going to get in trouble,” Kate said. In trying to break free from him, she had turned herself around and was staring into his eyes with hatred, but he just looked at her. Neither her words nor the fact that someone was coming up the stairs seemed to faze Russell; he didn’t care. It was then that she realized just how far he was capable of going.

Russell put a finger to his lips and perked his head up to listen to the movement outside. Whoever it was had gone down the hallway and into one of the other bedrooms. He slowly got out of Kate’s bed and walked over to the door. He pressed his ear against it to make sure that no one was there, then quietly opened the door and walked out.

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My Gym Blues

Up until last week, I had started getting back into my gym routine, which consists of gym-ing during lunch, four to five days a week. I had every intention of continuing this last week, however, it wasn’t meant to be. Due to the fire in my office building which knocked out power for forty-eight hours, my gym routine was cut. I know, I could have gone during those two days that I had off, but, to be honest, the reason that I go to the gym during lunch at work is because I just cannot bring myself to do it when I am home. I have bought different exercise equipments and DVDs, but I simply cannot do it. The moment I am home, my brain goes into a different kind of mode. The gym is not within walking distance (as it so conveniently is at work) so, that leaves that option out for me as well; I do not have a car and I refuse to take a bus to the gym when, when I am at work, I can simply walk there in under two minutes.

I awoke this morning with the mindset that I would be in fact gym-ing today, but as the time went slowly by, I discovered just how tired I really was (I think my body is still making up for the insomniac periods of the past week). I started getting my gym bag ready anyway, thinking that I would just power through it, but, as I was in the middle of doing so, I just couldn’t bring myself to complete the task; that, and the fact that my shoulder hurts from sleeping and my knee has been killing me. It also does not help that almost my entire office is out this week due to the holidays, and, it is eerily void of noise. I have to admit that, even though I could have taken these days off as well but didn’t, I am a teensy bit jealous of all these people who are relaxing in the comfort of their own homes…especially after the monsoons of my evening commute home last night. I really should not complain about that one though, because if it had been colder, it would have been a blizzard. I am not a fan of snow and that would have put me in an awful mood…okay, I am only a fan of snow if I can be huddled up somewhere without the obligation to travel into work; Manhattan is highly unpleasant after it has snowed.

How do I get out of these gym blues? Unfortunately, there is no “quick fix” for this one. The only way to get out of a slump (especially a gym one) is to force yourself to go, no matter how much you do not want to. I am a firm believer in pushing myself to workout but, sometimes I need an extra day. This, of course, means that tomorrow, there are no excuses.

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Holiday Traditions

Ever since I was fifteen, I’ve had mixed feeling about the holidays. Many things happened that year that forever ceased the traditions that I had grown up with. I learned then, that nothing lasts forever…

But I also learned that you get to make your own traditions. Eight years ago, I learned that people actually celebrate Christmas Eve; my family never did that growing up. I thought it was just a night where you went to bed early…nothing special. I have learned otherwise.

Christmas Eve for me, is a time to spend with one of my favorite families. Every year, I travel to their house in Astoria and we gather in the basement together. As per the normal tradition, the food consists almost entirely of seafood, which, as you should know, I do not eat, but I still manage to leave there entirely stuffed. They start the meal off with a prayer, and with borscht…I’m not fond of beets either, so I do not eat this. I do however eat lots and lots of homemade pierogi; my friend’s grandmother is from Poland and they are sooo good.  

The other thing about Christmas Eve in Astoria is the drinking that ensues. I, the wine lover that I am, came prepared (prepared to take multiple trips to the liquor store that is). Normally, my friend’s uncle brings several bottles of his homemade wine…yes, he makes wine. I remember the first year that he started making it; it was pretty bad, but over the years it has gotten really good. Sadly, this year, he did not bring any, but we did polish off quite a few bottles. This is definitely the one night a year that everyone (with exception towards the ten year old) is a lush…well, okay, I’m always a lush whenever I hang out with this family and they are too.

Besides the traditions of the excessive drinking and the seafood is the tradition of my playing Twister with the kids (some of which are now mostly grown up).  I don’t remember what year exactly it started, but for many years now, in the midst of everything, Twister is broken out…and did I mention that every year I always win?  I wasn’t going to play this year because of my knee, and I know that that is why my knee is hurting now, but I ended up being persuaded to play anyway…and I won again, despite the knee injury ☺. 

After a few hours of sobering up and drinking water, at the wee hour of two-something in the morning, I embarked on my way home; becoming the designated driver for my drunk friend and driving us back to the neighborhood since we live close to each other. In years past we’ve ended up staying overnight in Astoria and waking up, rushing to get home on Christmas morning, both with hangovers… I definitely prefer this arrangement. It’s for purely selfish reasons…I love being able to know how I am getting home and not waking up the next day with a hangover.

I crawled into bed sometime after three o’clock, thoroughly exhausted, texting the two young drivers who drove their drunken parents home to make sure their trips went well. After having horrible insomnia for the past few nights, I was able to fall asleep quite quickly…my body couldn’t take it anymore.

The next day, after sleeping rather late for me, I rushed to shower and change, trying to beat the clock before my father came over to take me back to his place in Brooklyn to spend the day with him and his girlfriend, where we ended up watching the movie Water for Elephants…oh, and my dad’s girlfriend broke out a bottle of Chianti; it was soooo good ☺

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Mid-Week Vacation

Since Tuesday, I have not stepped foot in my office, due to an electrical fire Tuesday night, that completely wiped out the electrical panel that feeds power to our whole building. This, although irritating, has enabled me to get a few things done before the holiday weekend. One of which, was fight with Verizon for the past two days, because my cell phone battery wouldn’t charge and, they sent me the wrong item in the mail. This has thankfully been resolved with a ride to a Verizon store, lunch at Ben’s deli (mmmm pastrami) and a quick trip to Target…oh, and I have completed all errands and am packed (almost) for the weekend.

As for work, I still am unsure as to what is going on. Some power has finally been restored and I’ve heard that it’s open, however, I just spoke to my contact who said that I should wait until I hear from him and he will not know anything until tomorrow morning. It’s the last day of work before Christmas, I feel like they should just let us have this day and be done with it, then again, my office was open during the blizzard of this past winter…so who knows. I am hoping for one more day:).